Hey, kids! Try these at home!

Someone passed on to me some volumes of home liturgies to perhaps incorporate into our repository of forgotten and unread books called the parish library.

One is a 1989 new-agey volume by a Catholic priest, who (if still alive) must really be chapped at the ascension of B XVI, entitled Prayers for a Planetary Pilgrim. I just had to share two of the home rituals for "Cosmic Amphibians": "A Urine Ritual" and "A Ritual for Fingernail Trimming."

O God of all life, as my body now flushes out its physical impurities,
grant that all negative, harmful, and angry feelings may be flushed out as
well.

O Divine Friend, as I trim my fingernails, may I also transform my inner
aggresions into love. May I, by your grace, seek to be a peacemaker in all
my dealings and in who I am.

Well, I am approaching the age where a urination litany might be helpful.

But this does have my mind reeling at the other opportunities for home rituals our author may have missed. Here are a few of mine:

For a perfect medium-rare tri-tip on the grill
When the puppy takes a dump on the carpet
Litany for delieverance from a snoring spouse
Penitential rite for forgetting to take out the trash when left-over shellfish has been put in it

I'm thinking of reviewing the excommunication scene from Becket to get ideas for a solemn ceremony for the grounding of a teen-ager.

Are there others we have missed?